Sometimes I seriously think that I am so prone to getting depressed because I haven’t known much else in my older years of life.
I’m just desperately waiting for that to change.
Very recently, it seems as if my life has taken many negative turns that were completely unexpected and unjust. I still ponder “why..seriously…why me” pretty much every night before I fall asleep, but I suppose that it won’t do much good now will it?
Within the past five months, I have gone through a range of ridiculous emotions, weird phases of depression, complete 360’s on who I thought I was and yet…in this moment I’m not angry. I mean, it sucks that this misfortune is my life…but I suppose I just have to deal. That’s what I have to work with,
Why is it that the uplifting music reminds me of the good times, and further reminds me of how they are no longer present ultimately making me feel the same as if I had listened to a sad song.
There is no winning, I suppose.
I have quietly suffered for some time now…I wonder when it will end.
So it seems that my life has taken quite the turn within the past three weeks. Not only have I been emotionally shattered, I have also initiated a change in my degree plan that will effect my life in an enormous way.
As for the emotional shattering business…it is as it sounds. My romantic future has been pretty much erased like an etcha-sketch and I now don’t know where I am going, what I will do, and who with. To other people my age (20-25) the idea of being free to be with who you want when you want with no strings attached sounds great. That is certainly the last thing I am looking for. I don’t know what was so wrong with me where my last involvement ended so abruptly, but I’m really looking for long term commitment. Nothing less. I would go into detail, but I’m having an okay day so I don’t want to ruin it.
On a good note…I’m pretty sure the education portion of my undergraduate degree will soon cease to exist. The bottom line is, I am tired of working for this undergraduate degree. I know, I know…there are so many people who would die to be where I am and to be able to go to university. I come from Africa, I know the shpeel. What I am not okay with is staying at this university and paying for 3 more years of crap when I have already been here for 3. It shouldn’t take me 6 years to get a degree, so I won’t let it. On the bright side, I could always go back and get a Master’s in education, or pick up where I left off. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for teaching, and I will always want to be an educator…but my university is making that near impossible. I’m just hoping that my adviser has good news for me when I tell her of my decision.
If not, expect another post :/