Burnng Berries

Recently, I have gone through an extreme amount of emotional distress and horrible incidents. I ended my 8 month long relationship, I received and was not compatible with something imperative to my survival, and I was accepted to—but couldn’t afford Earlham College. The college I have been trying to get into since December.

I’d rather not go into the details of my relationship on a public blog but let it be known that it was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in a very, very long time. Extremely difficult. I am emotionally healed now, but those scars could easily be re-opened and I’d rather not let that happen.

This item that is imperative to my survival. I had been placed on a very long list for it, in which most people never live to see their name called, on a sheer splinter of hope. When I was tested for this item, it was proven that it would not match me and that it would not work. So the chance of a life time, literally was lost because for whatever unknown reason I am un-compatable. Which, given the right information, can prove to be extremely contradicting. So now, my time is running out and I do not know what is going to happen. I will pray. 

Earlham. Earlham has been the most recent of these crises. So, it is still the most sensitive to me. I have been working, and worrying about getting into that College since December. That is when I first started my common application. I put everything into that application, personal statement and admissions essay. I even applied for the Bonner Scholarship, which is a really nice program that if I would have gotten, made it possible for me to afford the school. But what happened that? It turns out something happened where my file isn’t even in thesystem. There is no trace of me at all. I found this out from a dear one, and it infuriated me that all of my hard work wasn’t even reviewed. So, I waited, and waited, and waited to find out the admission’s decision. I didn’t find out until a week after the deadline, in May. I had gotten in. They had accepted me! I was so happy. I even cried on the phone to a dear one about how happy I was. She warned me then, about the issue of the price tag. At the time, I was too happy that I had gotten accepted to even worry about the money. This was because…its no secret that Earlham is a good school, so them accepting me was a moment of pride. But soon the issuedidbecome the money, because I was awarded 41k in financial aid, but the cheapest projected package for me would have been 49k. So that left 8k unaccounted for that I had to get on my own. Fiasco after fiasco transpired and eventually it became apparent that—there was no way that I could afford Earlham. So now, I will return to WIU in the fall even though I promised to myself I’d never return to that hell hole.

A part of the bitterness in regards to this situation has been suppressed, but there is still much in me. The proper way for me to grieve over this would have been to cry to my best friend, and let her energy and kindness sooth me. And to listen to her tell me that it was okay, and not to be upset. I was unable to do that though, because she left for and is currently in Turkey. She will be home in 8 days from today, and I hope that she enjoys every single one of them to her fullest. I can’t wait to hear her stories, and begin our summer plans together after she gets settled in back here in the states. I’m looking very much forward to the adventures that this summer may hold.

Through it all, I’m still torn here and there about some things…but I know somehow everything should work not, now matter how unfair the world may seem to me. I just need to 100% believe in what I just stated.

So, I have come to a point in my journey where my true passion for what I am doing will be tested. Upon my acceptance to Earlham College, I was given an account where I can monitor all of my information and grades and a bunch of other things I’m sure. This site also contained my financial aid award letter. This bit of information is very, very important to me being “able” to go to Earlham.

I’m not going to list any numbers…but I was given a very generous amount. Although, it still isn’t enough for me to be able to afford to go there, because my parental figure won’t support me if I go there. That is a whole different blog in itself. Possibly soon to come. So, I got on the phone with a kind woman from financial aid and was told that [after I told my story] the director would call me back and I could talk to him about it.

When the director called me back, I explained the details of my situation to him, and he seemed very engaged in it. At the end of the conversation he told me that he “did not feel optimistic that more could be done” but he said that I can fill out an appeal for a review of my financial aid and through that, he would be able to see if more could be done. So that is what I am going to do.

My only concern is that, there might have been a miscommunication of what I was asking for. I, on the phone, said that I was looking for any more possible aid. I did not make it clear that I wasn’t looking for more “free” money. Earlham has given me a good amount of my aid in grants and such, and I am aware that those funds are limited. I am quite alright with taking out more loans, in which I will one day have to pay back. If there are any loans I can get, I would willingly and gladly take them without thinking twice, because I need to go to Earlham. I have to.

I hope, and pray that I receive this scholarship that I applied for. It is an $8,000 renewable award, and because of my French book [67 pg assignment for class] I think I have a good chance at it. If I can get it, I wouldn’t need anywhere near as much as I need now.

I hope that everything works out, I will do anything necessary to make it. I have come too far to turn back now. I must go to Earlham!!!

がんばるよ！

Yesterday and today have been amazing days for very good reason. Yesterday, on April 27th, 2012 I called Earlham College to ask about the status of my admission. The woman put me on hold, and then came back and said “Your letter is in the mail. It’s a good letter, you’ll like it”. This implied that I had been accepted! Ever since I started my application journey in December when I first started the Common App, I’ve been filled with anxiety and stress about their decision. This news proved a lot to me. it proved to me that I have the potential to be a part of an amazing school. It proved to me that a wonderful place wants me to be a part of their student body. It proved to me that Iamgood enough. It proved to me, that I can do what I put my mind to. It overall boosted my self-opinion of my ability. I didn’t want to get too excited yet, because I didn’t have the letter in my hand. Today, on April 28th, 2012 when I returned to my dorm after class, I checked my mail and surprise! My acceptance letter was there, waiting for me.

I then took a picture of it and put it online, to share my happiness with all. I am not yet sure if I am able to afford Earlham, and I’m not sure where I will get the $250 deposit, but I will not let these things discourage me. They actually don’t dishearten me in the least. If I could get accepted, I feel like I can do anything. I can find the money, for both the fee and tuition. I shouldn’t speak too soon, for all I know I might be blessed with an amazing financial award. I’m taking things one step at a time.

This summer, will be a summer of celebration: for my monumentous achievement.

A person very crucial to my life (you know who you are, and are most likely reading this) told me that “our song” should be “Battle Beyond” by Crunk Witch. When I first listened to the song, I enjoyed it’s instrumental aspects and really enjoyed it’s lyrics. They can kind of be applied to my past and future with this person, so I approved of it. 

Randomly the other night, I was browsing Youtube for other songs by Crunk Witch and I came across “Scream Love”. This song is amazing. Its your typical cliché “love song” but I for whatever reason am spoken to by it’s lyrics. Especially the first sentence of the song.

I recommend that everyone listens to Crunk Witch. I’ve heard almost all of their songs (I get temporary musical obsessions in which I need to listen to every song I can by a given artist or band) and I love nearly all of them.

I thank this crucial person, for introducing them to me, because now I will always think of her whenever I hear them. <3

I really need to go on a vacation. I haven’t been on a trip in a while. Even if its just a weekend trip somewhere or something, I’d like to get out and just be free and travel some. Traveling really relaxes me. Some people say that it is stressful. I don’t think so at all, it actually comes to me as a relatively smooth experience. Decide where you want to go. Decide on how long. Look for hotels in the area. Book it. Find airfare. Buy your ticket. Prepare your luggage over time. Leave. Arrive. Go to hotel. Relax, rest eat. Go enjoy your time. Then come home. Haha. That’s how all of my vacations have been, blunt accounts of course.

I want to go somewhere by myself. Maybe Canada, or a weekend trip to Miami, or California. Maybe even Salem. I just really want to get out. I feel like I haven’t had any true down time in about two or three years. I have school during the Fall, Winter and Spring, then I have work during the summer. I worked quite a bit last summer too, with two jobs and all.

Sadly, I don’t see any of that in my immediate future. I don’t know what I see in my immediate future, actually. Its very blurry, even in my own mind.

Maybe one day soon I’ll get to travel somewhere just by luck…

~~Wishful Thinking~~

I haven’t posted here in a great while…a great while indeed.

Many things have changed with my life since I last left a note. Everything about me can possibly change all depending on what a piece a paper that comes in the mail says. That piece of paper within it holds my mental stability for the next year. Me and my last boyfriend have broken up, for reasons beyond my control. He and I dated short of 8 months. It was, and still is an emotionally pressing issue on my mind, but I know that with time, the help of God, my loved ones and mother nature, I will heal and move on. Time can only tell what will happen in my future. With various people.

I have come to a point in my life, where I feel like I am making a transition. Certain things about me are changing, and the fact that I notice this in myself shocks me. Normally, I notice these things once they’ve already changed, and I notice the contrast in my behavior, randomly. But, never have I noticed it while its happening. I can’t really “explain” the feeling, but I know its there. This year has thrown all kinds of fast balls at me. I’ve hit a few back, but missed the majority—blindly. They’re still coming on the horizon. Hopefully I can hit these back.

Interestingly enough, I have really gotten deep into my education this year. I created a 67 page French thesis, <I don’t think it’s a big deal, but everyone keeps telling me it is.> I started making arrangements to start an undergraduate research project, and I tutor for French. I personally think the tutoring is a big deal, its kind of one on one training for me since I’m a French Ed. major <at the moment>. I don’t know, I am developing a passion for learning now. I’m going to be in school forever if that happens. I love being a student and all, but I don’t love paying for it.

Well, moral of the story—I’m going to start paying my home blog here a lot more attention.

:-D